building trusting relationships
“We have all had a boss that we did not respect. No matter how intelligent or charismatic, you knew that placing blind faith in him or her would be a mistake. You were always watching your back waiting for the sucker punch to come.
A lack of trust allows fear to become a primary motivation among team members. They will fear your opinions. They will fear your decisions and evaluations. They will fear failure. They will fear you.
Once fear creeps in, team members will become paralyzed.”
-Dr. Jeremy Statton
The value of strong trusting relationships should not be underestimated. In author Stephen Covey Jr’s bestselling book titled the Speed of Trust, he emphasizes that nothing is faster than the speed of trust. The combination of a positive moral character and strong competencies create the groundwork for trust to be built. We have neurochemical responses to trusting relationships that releases oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, and other strong hormones into our bloodstreams. These responses can allow us to function in a more comfortable and even enhanced cognitive and emotional state. We can actually become smarter and more efficient when we are around people that we trust.
Trustworthiness is the virtuous attribute that we develop through relationship building, and trust is the result. One of the best ways to earn someone’s trust, is to give them yours. This inherently means becoming vulnerable as well, which shows others that you are invested in the relationship.
In order to build truly meaningful relationships, it is important to understand how others express and accept appreciation. While some people may prefer material gifts as a sign of appreciation, others may prefer kind words or public recognition. When we understand the languages of appreciation, we can more easily motivate teams and develop trust.
Demonstrate trustworthiness by being respectful, open, and understanding. We can spend a lot of time and energy speculating about another individuals or organizations motives. We do this through trying to determine their next move or decision, or by trying to analyze why they may have done something – usually based on limited information. Before we know it, we have exhausted our energy, and our passion dwindles. While conspiracy theories can be intriguing, we should try to remember Hanlon's philosophical razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. All too often we tend to apply villainy or intent of harm to the actions of others that disappoint us. This razor reminds us that we are all human and prone to errors (or more harshly, stupidity). Try not to criticize someone’s moral character if they fail to deliver results. Instead, believe that most people can be trusted and strive to do well. Your kindness may be reciprocated in the future when we stumble as well.
The way in which we conduct ourselves with others will greatly influence our trustworthiness. We should avoid being coy or cynical – as both are behaviors that can unconsciously cause others to be uncomfortable. When we jump to conclusions or speak abrasively behind closed doors, people may wonder how we conduct ourselves with others when they are not present. We should behave in a sincere way so that others will enjoy being around us. Some basic tricks are to simply be pleasant and positive. We should ask others questions about themselves and be interested in their opinions. Stephen Hawking once quipped that “People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.”
The Neuroscience of Trust
Humans were biologically designed for self-preservation and survival. One of the ways we are designed to survive is through the biochemical “fight or flight” response, which is activated by our limbic system when faced with a threat. During this response adrenaline is quickly released and diverts blood flow from our brain to the major muscle groups to allow us to temporarily run faster, jump higher, and fight back if necessary. This is the same biological response we have today. When dealing with a stressful and emotional negotiation, your limbic system may be firing and inhibiting your ability for sharp executive functioning.
We can all benefit from understanding our bodies neurochemical responses to threats and stress. Similarly, we need to be aware that our words and actions can trigger these same responses in others. When we demonstrate collegiality and trustworthiness, we decrease the risk of triggering stress responses. During a conversation between two individuals, if one of them begins to communicate in a threatening manner (through verbal tone or body language), it will likely trigger a stress response that may alter how the other person is processing the situation. In extreme cases the steroid hormone cortisol may be released in the brain inhibiting executive functioning. This is a similar response as to when you notice a police siren or fire alarm. Your thinking may become clouded and you may panic. Neuroscience has shown that cortisol can remain in our brains for more than 24-hours after a significant stress response.
The best leaders are aware of these pitfalls and can learn to manage a conversation appropriately to avoid distorted judgement. Most people need time to process events and conversations, especially when they involve intense emotions or high stakes. It may take hours or days for us to fully articulate a response to a situation that may have triggered neurochemical activity. A common pitfall of a negative neurochemical response to distrust is stubbornness or irrational disagreement. We may make decision that is contrary to our mission or rational thought, because we have reacted so negatively to another’s affect or behavior. Ideally, we can strengthen our self-awareness so we can identify when we are not thinking rationally due to as tress response. We should be wise enough not react impulsively to these situations, but to instead take the necessary time to process.
Building trusting relationships may prove to be the most valuable and satisfying uses of our time. When we can rely on our values to guide our actions, we will undoubtedly discover both fulfilling and results-oriented work.
Trustworthiness is the virtuous attribute that we develop through relationship building, and trust is the result. One of the best ways to earn someone’s trust, is to give them yours. This inherently means becoming vulnerable as well, which shows others that you are invested in the relationship.
In order to build truly meaningful relationships, it is important to understand how others express and accept appreciation. While some people may prefer material gifts as a sign of appreciation, others may prefer kind words or public recognition. When we understand the languages of appreciation, we can more easily motivate teams and develop trust.
Demonstrate trustworthiness by being respectful, open, and understanding. We can spend a lot of time and energy speculating about another individuals or organizations motives. We do this through trying to determine their next move or decision, or by trying to analyze why they may have done something – usually based on limited information. Before we know it, we have exhausted our energy, and our passion dwindles. While conspiracy theories can be intriguing, we should try to remember Hanlon's philosophical razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. All too often we tend to apply villainy or intent of harm to the actions of others that disappoint us. This razor reminds us that we are all human and prone to errors (or more harshly, stupidity). Try not to criticize someone’s moral character if they fail to deliver results. Instead, believe that most people can be trusted and strive to do well. Your kindness may be reciprocated in the future when we stumble as well.
The way in which we conduct ourselves with others will greatly influence our trustworthiness. We should avoid being coy or cynical – as both are behaviors that can unconsciously cause others to be uncomfortable. When we jump to conclusions or speak abrasively behind closed doors, people may wonder how we conduct ourselves with others when they are not present. We should behave in a sincere way so that others will enjoy being around us. Some basic tricks are to simply be pleasant and positive. We should ask others questions about themselves and be interested in their opinions. Stephen Hawking once quipped that “People won’t have time for you if you are always angry or complaining.”
The Neuroscience of Trust
Humans were biologically designed for self-preservation and survival. One of the ways we are designed to survive is through the biochemical “fight or flight” response, which is activated by our limbic system when faced with a threat. During this response adrenaline is quickly released and diverts blood flow from our brain to the major muscle groups to allow us to temporarily run faster, jump higher, and fight back if necessary. This is the same biological response we have today. When dealing with a stressful and emotional negotiation, your limbic system may be firing and inhibiting your ability for sharp executive functioning.
We can all benefit from understanding our bodies neurochemical responses to threats and stress. Similarly, we need to be aware that our words and actions can trigger these same responses in others. When we demonstrate collegiality and trustworthiness, we decrease the risk of triggering stress responses. During a conversation between two individuals, if one of them begins to communicate in a threatening manner (through verbal tone or body language), it will likely trigger a stress response that may alter how the other person is processing the situation. In extreme cases the steroid hormone cortisol may be released in the brain inhibiting executive functioning. This is a similar response as to when you notice a police siren or fire alarm. Your thinking may become clouded and you may panic. Neuroscience has shown that cortisol can remain in our brains for more than 24-hours after a significant stress response.
The best leaders are aware of these pitfalls and can learn to manage a conversation appropriately to avoid distorted judgement. Most people need time to process events and conversations, especially when they involve intense emotions or high stakes. It may take hours or days for us to fully articulate a response to a situation that may have triggered neurochemical activity. A common pitfall of a negative neurochemical response to distrust is stubbornness or irrational disagreement. We may make decision that is contrary to our mission or rational thought, because we have reacted so negatively to another’s affect or behavior. Ideally, we can strengthen our self-awareness so we can identify when we are not thinking rationally due to as tress response. We should be wise enough not react impulsively to these situations, but to instead take the necessary time to process.
Building trusting relationships may prove to be the most valuable and satisfying uses of our time. When we can rely on our values to guide our actions, we will undoubtedly discover both fulfilling and results-oriented work.
Responses to distrust:
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Responses to trust:
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